Good enough to stick your finger in. Happy Birthday!
Good enough to stick your finger in. Happy Birthday!
Scour your pantry. Discover that your memory is a big fat liar. You don’t have a single box of vanilla cake mix. Berate yourself when you find: lemon, gluten free strawberry, and german chocolate but no vanilla. Until, wait…wait…F*ck Yeah, you got some Funetti in the back!
Prepare said Funfetti and dye a cup and a half of it green. Spray your pans with that special powder-oil-in-one stuff (bakers spray) and fill those shamrocks with batter. You’re going to need about as many shamrocks that it takes to fill a bread pan.
But you’ll be an impatient little sh*t and only bake four. You’ll just “space ‘em out” you say. You remove the baked shamrocks from their pans and freeze them till you have the time to finish the outside layer of the cake. You refrigerate the leftover batter till you are good and ready for it.
A day passes. Netflix captures your attention, giving you entertainment, in exchange for your time. Another day passes. You remove your shamrocks from the freezer.
Then you fill the bread pan with batter. Pouring it over the frozen shamrocks before they had time to come to room temp. Then like a jerk you stuck them in the oven to bake at 375 degrees.
And guess what, you got a surprise you didn’t bargain for. Yes, that’s right you cake baked clear through on the edges but remained absolute goo in the middle. You baked and baked and babysat that cake sticking a chopstick in its various weak spots every three minutes.
And finally after 25 minutes (okay you don’t exactly know how long it took. You had other things to worry about) it was DONE. You let it cool. Stuck it in a ziplock bag and popped it in the freezer. Immediately planning to salvage your brick of a cake by cutting off the edges and drizzling it with an Irish Coffee glaze featuring Baileys and Jamison.
1 cup butter
1 cup almond flour
1 cup coconut flour
¼ cup vanilla protein powder
½ Tsp vanilla
2 packets splenda
Pinch of salt
Egg Whites (helps with browning)
Combine all ingredients in a stand mixer except the pumpkin spice and egg white. That comes after!
Roll your dry dough real thin and cut into shapes. Brush the cookies with the egg white and sprinkle them with a mixture of pumpkin spice and splenda. Bake at 375 degrees for 6 minutes, turn and then bake another 6. Keep an eye on them so they don’t burn.
Sprinkle with the pumpkin spice mixture. Eat your heart out.
Blueberries– you intended to eat them, but faster burning sugar (candy) got the best of you and you ate that crap instead. Berries lose nutrition with every passing day so you gotta eat em or pitch em. We don’t pitch anything at the booze infused kitchen.
Spinach– ah yes. Again, it’s Jan. 1 and the diet is in full effect or at least the good intentions are. But you can’t just buy the spinach, you have to eat it. But you let it sit in your fridge lamenting with the berries about their inevitable demise until today…
Chocolate Cake Mix
⅓ cup oil
2 Tsp vanilla
2 tbs Coco powder
1 cup coffee
First in a food process (or whatever contraption you own that will take solids and liquify them) pulverize the berries and spinach until they become one.
This purple mixture of vitamins will go undetected in CHOCOLATE CAKE. Yep. Eat cake and get your vitamins too. You’re welcome.
Combine all the ingredients in the food processor, (one dish to clean-greatest gift ever).
Spray your cake pan. Bake for 30 mins at 375 degrees rotating the pan ½ through.
When your cake is cool enough to touch press the rounded belly down using a paper towel. Instead of cutting it off and eating it all to yourself, as a reward for all the dishes you’re about to do. Am I the only one who does that?
Boom! Flat cake. No trimming necessary.
To maximize the moistness of your cake, when it’s cool, remove it from the pan, double wrap in cling wrap and then pop it in the freezer.
Then frost that sucker.
7 oz (one container) Marshmallow fluff
1stick of butter
2 tsp vanilla
4cups of powdered sugar
Splash of your favorite flavored liquor (*or milk if it’s for the kiddos)
For a little protein and a ton of flair, combine a container of star sprinkles, chopped peanuts and chocolate chips. Press the concoction into the sides and corners of the cake.
Preheat oven to 300°F assuming you have a working oven, unlike me. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.
Mix dry ingredients. Mix liquid ingredients. Combine.
Spread granola onto baking sheet. Bake until you smell burning. For those of you, with legit ovens, god knows. 60 minutes? Don’t forget to stir every now and then and to rotate the pan.
When your house starts to smell amazing, it’s ready. When cool, add golden raisins and chopped dates.
Spicy and sweet. Can’t even taste those high protein, sustainable critters.
You wanna know how to get booze into your cupcakes without having to cook any of the intoxicating benefits out of it? First make jello shots. Boil a cup of water, add the gelatin, and stir, stir, stir.
Combine 1/2 cup of cold water and 1/2 cup of your spirit of choice with the gelatin. Use an entire cup of booze if you prefer to slur your words vs. actually enjoying the flavor of your cupcake. In my margarita recipe I used tequila and orange curacao (poor man’s Grand Marnier). Any booze will do. Add lime or orange zest to enhance the otherwise artificial flavor of the jello.
Allow your jello shot concoction to cool while you poke holes into the cupcakes using chopsticks. Drizzle the cooled booze and jello onto the cupcakes.
Top your cupcakes with frosting flavored with more orange curacao. 2 sticks of butter. 4 cups powder sugar. 2 tsp orange curacao. Soooo good. One of my favorite frosting to date.
When you take a yellow cake mix and replace the water with eggnog, you can do magical things. You can make people swoon with delight. Go on, try it.
For the frosting: substitute milk with Evan Williams Eggnog bourbon. Who needs calcium?
When your niece is obsessed with dinosaurs you roll, shape, and cut brontosaurus cookies. Then you repeat the process about a 1,000 times.
She won’t let you take her photo with it, but when you hand it to her and she says, “Wooooow,” you realize it was worth every flour drenched minute.
Well kinda…these cookies were just okay.
From my kitchen to yours, I sincerely hope you were filled with good food, good stories, and good laughs. But if that was not the case, I present this image for you. Please enjoy.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year! The time when we can dress up and be ANYTHING we want. What were you?
I present to you, my most authentic self. A baby doll with a brain. For the special effects I used a gelatin mold and liquid latex. The slosh method. It’s exactly what it sounds like. Pour the latex into the mold and slosh it around. Let dry. Boom, you got a brain, baby.
Wait, I thought this was a food blog, you might be thinking. I’ll get you a recipe. Hold your horses. I’m more than just a baker, ya know.
Recipe, coming right up…
Bob, my biggest fan, made me this cookie cutter. Thanks Bob! I used a chocolate sugar cookie recipe, from Cookie Craft Christmas, *highly recommend. I topped it with marshmallow fluff because its delicious but also because, I CANNOT make royal icing. I never get royal icing right…Never. I’m convinced you need to be a witch or know magic to make royal icing correctly.
Speaking of witches. Also pictured is the book I mentioned. So much golden goodness in such a tiny book.
2 1/2 c flour
1/2 c cocoa
1 tsp instant espresso (MAGIC INGREDIENT)
1/2 tsp salt
1 c unsalted butter
1 c sugar
1 tsp vanilla
Cream the butter and sugar, yada yada. Add egg and vanilla. You know the drill. Then the dry ingredients. Roll, chill, cut, bake. You know your oven better than I do. Keep an eye on em, and you’ll know when they are done because your house will start to smell like a cocoay, toasty, buttery heaven.
Oh, you want me to hold your hand? 350 degrees 10-12 mins. Rotate pan half-way through.
I got to be so many iterations of my most authentic self this year. I hope you did too. Or maybe this post will inspire you to next year.
I’m including this last photo because we all have a little bit of both trick and treat in us. I hope I share more treats than tricks and I hope you do too. Happy Halloween.
Cookies aren’t made in the mixing. What separates an edible cookie- from a, “Holy crap I can’t articulate the magic I just tasted”- cookie, is in the little things.
You could have opened a box, cracked an egg, poured the oil and delivered a confection with enough sugar to please most palates but
1, 2, & 3) If you melt butter and add a splash of salted caramel flavoring, and a box of butterscotch pudding…
4, & 5,) Then scoop the dough into little balls and place them in the fridge for thirty minutes.
6, 7 & 8 ) Then, bake the cookies for six minutes, rotate, and bake for six more minutes.
9) Allow them to continue to cook on the baking sheet for three minutes— because you have an evil, bottom of the cookie, burning oven— because you live in a cheap apartment so that you can work less and create more.
Then you too can have a cookie that obliterates taste buds and pushes the boundaries of what defines “cookie.”
If you take the time to learn how the ovens and the people around you operate, you’ll begin to have richer moments and baked goods. Sprinkle pieces of you into your experience with others: make a handmade birthday card, write someone a song praising the best parts of their personality, or make them a cupcake the size of their head and you’ll start living like an artist. And your baked goods and life will taste better.