Holy Shit It’s Crickets

mighty cricket

  • 2 cups rolled oats
  • 1/3 cup 100% Pure Mighty Cricket Protein Powder
  • ½ golden raisins
  • ½ chopped dates
  • 1/4 peanuts
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 1 tsp turmeric
  • 1 tsp coriander
  • 2 tsp paprika
  • 2 tsp chili pepper 
  • 1 tsp ginger powder
  • 1/2 tsp cayenne
  • 2 egg whites
  • 1/4 cup water
  • 1/4 cup bourbon maple syrup

Preheat oven to 300°F assuming you have a working oven, unlike me. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

Mix dry ingredients. Mix liquid ingredients. Combine.

Spread granola onto baking sheet. Bake until you smell burning. For those of you, with legit ovens, god knows. 60 minutes? Don’t forget to stir every now and then and to rotate the pan.

cricket granola

When your house starts to smell amazing,  it’s ready. When cool, add golden raisins and chopped dates.

cricket cereal
Spicy and sweet. Can’t even taste those high protein, sustainable critters.

Margarita Cupcakes

my little pony cupcakeYou wanna know how to get booze into your cupcakes without having to cook any of the intoxicating benefits out of it? First make jello shots. Boil a cup of water, add the gelatin, and stir, stir, stir.

jello shots

Combine 1/2 cup of cold water and 1/2 cup of your spirit of choice with the gelatin. Use an entire cup of booze if you prefer to slur your words vs. actually enjoying the flavor of your cupcake. In my margarita recipe I used tequila and orange curacao (poor man’s Grand Marnier). Any booze will do. Add lime or orange zest to enhance the otherwise artificial flavor of the jello.

lime zest

Allow your jello shot concoction to cool while you poke holes into the cupcakes using chopsticks. Drizzle the cooled booze and jello onto the cupcakes.

margarita cupcake Top your cupcakes with frosting flavored with more orange curacao. 2 sticks of butter. 4 cups powder sugar. 2 tsp orange curacao. Soooo good. One of my favorite frosting to date.

Eggnog Cupcakes with Booze

recipe
The height of 80’s fashion, Winner of at least one Ugly Sweater Contest

When you take a yellow cake mix and replace the water with eggnog, you can do magical things. You can make people swoon with delight. Go on, try it.eggnog yolk

For the frosting: substitute milk with Evan Williams Eggnog bourbon. Who needs calcium? frosting ingredients

Thankful For Dinosaurs

pumpkin sugar cookie

When your niece is obsessed with dinosaurs you roll, shape, and cut brontosaurus cookies. Then you repeat the process about a 1,000 times.

pumpkin sugar cookie
The Brontosaurus is Back and He is Real, says National Geographic. Copy link into your browser to read more:   https://bit.ly/2QKGJoF

She won’t let you take her photo with it, but when you hand it to her and she says, “Wooooow,” you realize it was worth every flour drenched minute.

niece
*Slightly modified to protect her identity. 

 

Well kinda…these cookies were just okay. 

From my kitchen to yours, I sincerely hope you were filled with good food, good stories, and good laughs. But if that was not the case, I present this image for you. Please enjoy. Thanksgiving

SKELETONS, SPIDERWEBS, & SFX

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! The time when we can dress up and be ANYTHING we want. What were you?

IMG_5948I present to you, my most authentic self. A baby doll with a brain. For the special effects I used a gelatin mold and liquid latex. The slosh method. It’s exactly what it sounds like. Pour the latex into the mold and slosh it around. Let dry. Boom, you got a brain, baby.

Wait, I thought this was a food blog, you might be thinking. I’ll get you a recipe. Hold your horses. I’m more than just a baker, ya know.

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Baby doll makeup inspired by ShanShortcakeBeauty

Recipe, coming right up…

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I love sugar. Sugar is my favorite. White sugar, brown sugar, powder sugar, sugar can, sugar water, syrup…Mmm. Sugar.

IMG_5741  Bob, my biggest fan, made me this cookie cutter. Thanks Bob! I used a chocolate sugar cookie recipe, from Cookie Craft Christmas, *highly recommend. I topped it with marshmallow fluff because its delicious but also because, I CANNOT make royal icing. I never get royal icing right…Never. I’m convinced you need to be a witch or know magic to make royal icing correctly. IMG_5835

Speaking of witches. Also pictured is the book I mentioned. So much golden goodness in such a tiny book.

Chocolate Sugar Cookies

2 1/2 c flour
1/2 c cocoa
1 tsp instant espresso (MAGIC INGREDIENT)
1/2 tsp salt
1 c unsalted butter
1 c sugar
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla

Cream the butter and sugar, yada yada. Add egg and vanilla. You know the drill. Then the dry ingredients. Roll, chill, cut, bake. You know your oven better than I do. Keep an eye on em, and you’ll know when they are done because your house will start to smell like a cocoay, toasty, buttery heaven.

Oh, you want me to hold your hand? 350 degrees 10-12 mins. Rotate pan half-way through.

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I got to be so many iterations of my most authentic self this year. I hope you did too. Or maybe this post will inspire you to next year.

ETLN3314
Apocalyptic Ride or Die
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My favorite face to make. Try it, it feels awesome and makes you instantly prettier and more interesting.
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Bedazzled Elf.

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I’m including this last photo because we all have a little bit of both trick and treat in us. I hope I share more treats than tricks and I hope you do too. Happy Halloween.

How to Bake Cookies in a Crappy Apartment’s Electric Oven or How to live like an Artist: The Recipe

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Cookies aren’t made in the mixing. What separates an edible cookie- from a, “Holy crap I can’t articulate the magic I just tasted”- cookie, is in the little things.

For example:

You could have opened a box, cracked an egg, poured the oil and delivered a confection with enough sugar to please most palates but

1, 2, & 3) If you melt butter and add a splash of salted caramel flavoring, and a box of butterscotch pudding…

4, & 5,) Then scoop the dough into little balls and place them in the fridge for thirty minutes.

6, 7 & 8 ) Then, bake the cookies for six minutes, rotate, and bake for six more minutes.

9) Allow them to continue to cook on the baking sheet for three minutes— because you have an evil, bottom of the cookie, burning oven— because you live in a cheap apartment so that you can work less and create more.

Then you too can have a cookie that obliterates taste buds and pushes the boundaries of what defines “cookie.”

bakery 2

If you take the time to learn how the ovens and the people around you operate, you’ll begin to have richer moments and baked goods. Sprinkle pieces of you into your experience with others: make a handmade birthday card, write someone a song praising the best parts of their personality, or make them a cupcake the size of their head and you’ll start living like an artist. And your baked goods and life will taste better.

maria cake 2

Hurricane Bernadette Cake (RUM)

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Cake Ingredients:

1 package white cake mix
1package vanilla instant pudding mix
4 eggs
2 tbsp oj
½ cup minus to tbsp cup passion fruit
1⁄2 cup cooking oil
1⁄2 cup dark rum

Glaze Ingredients:

1 1/2 sticks butter cup sugar
1/4 cup water
1/2 cup sugar
Boil for 5 mins
Add 3/8 cup rum
Add orange and lime zest

Feel free to color some of the batter multiple colors and then swirl it into the bundt pan, because you know, you’re fancy and you bake fancy stuff.

Happy Mardi Gras. Here’s to the suffering through the rest of winter.

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