Surprise Inside Shamrock Cake

surprise inside cakeScour your pantry. Discover that your memory is a big fat liar. You don’t have a single box of vanilla cake mix. Berate yourself when you find: lemon, gluten free strawberry, and german chocolate but no vanilla. Until, wait…wait…F*ck Yeah, you got some Funetti in the back! 

Prepare said Funfetti and dye a cup and a half of it green. Spray your pans with that special powder-oil-in-one stuff (bakers spray) and fill those shamrocks with batter. You’re going to need about as many shamrocks that it takes to fill a bread pan.

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But you’ll be an impatient little sh*t and only bake four. You’ll just “space ‘em out” you say. You remove the baked shamrocks from their pans and freeze them till you have the time to finish the outside layer of the cake. You refrigerate the leftover batter till you are good and ready for it.

A day passes. Netflix captures your attention, giving you entertainment, in exchange for your time. Another day passes. You remove your shamrocks from the freezer. 

st. patricks day cake

Then you fill the bread pan with batter. Pouring it over the frozen shamrocks before they had time to come to room temp. Then like a jerk you stuck them in the oven to bake at 375 degrees. 

And guess what, you got a surprise you didn’t bargain for. Yes, that’s right you cake baked clear through on the edges but remained absolute goo in the middle. You baked and baked and babysat that cake sticking a chopstick in its various weak spots every three minutes. 

And finally after 25 minutes (okay you don’t exactly know how long it took. You had other things to worry about) it was DONE. You let it cool. Stuck it in a ziplock bag and popped it in the freezer. Immediately planning to salvage your brick of a cake by cutting off the edges and drizzling it with an Irish Coffee glaze featuring Baileys and Jamison. shamrock cake

 

                

 

 

 

 

                

 

When BAE’s on a Diet & that BAE is You

Unicorn CookieKeto Sugar Cookies, You’re Welcome

Ingredients:

1 cup butter
1 cup almond flour
1 cup coconut flour
¼ cup vanilla protein powder
½ Tsp vanilla
2 packets splenda
Pinch of salt
Pumpkin spice
Egg Whites (helps with browning)

Combine all ingredients in a stand mixer except the pumpkin spice and egg white. That comes after!

Roll your dry dough real thin and cut into shapes. Brush the cookies with the egg white and sprinkle them with a mixture of pumpkin spice and splenda. Bake at 375 degrees for 6 minutes, turn and then bake another 6. Keep an eye on them so they don’t burn.

keto cookies

Sprinkle with the pumpkin spice mixture. Eat your heart out.

Love, Bear.

Sneaky Ingredients

unicorn buttercream transfer
She’s fat and a little cracked but still lovable!

Sneaky Ingredients: 

Blueberries– you intended to eat them, but faster burning sugar (candy) got the best of you and you ate that crap instead. Berries lose nutrition with every passing day so you gotta eat em or pitch em. We don’t pitch anything at the booze infused kitchen.  

Spinach– ah yes. Again, it’s Jan. 1 and the diet is in full effect or at least the good intentions are. But you can’t just buy the spinach, you have to eat it. But you let it sit in your fridge lamenting with the berries about their inevitable demise until today…

Other Ingredients:
Chocolate Cake Mix
3 eggs
⅓ cup oil
2 Tsp vanilla
2 tbs Coco powder
1 cup coffee

First in a food process (or whatever contraption you own that will take solids and liquify them) pulverize the berries and spinach until they become one. 

This purple mixture of vitamins will go undetected in CHOCOLATE CAKE. Yep. Eat cake and get your vitamins too. You’re welcome. 

Combine all the ingredients in the food processor, (one dish to clean-greatest gift ever). 

Spray your cake pan. Bake for 30 mins at 375 degrees rotating the pan ½ through.

When your cake is cool enough to touch press the rounded belly down using a paper towel. Instead of cutting it off and eating it all to yourself, as a reward for all the dishes you’re about to do. Am I the only one who does that?
Boom! Flat cake. No trimming necessary. 

To maximize the moistness of your cake, when it’s cool, remove it from the pan, double wrap in cling wrap and then pop it in the freezer. 

Then frost that sucker.

Ingredients:
7 oz (one container) Marshmallow fluff
1stick of butter
2 tsp vanilla
4cups of powdered sugar
Splash of your favorite flavored liquor (*or milk if it’s for the kiddos)

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Of all the things on the planet to tempt me, Marshmallow fluff is by far the worst

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For a little protein and a ton of flair, combine a container of star sprinkles, chopped peanuts and chocolate chips. Press the concoction into the sides and corners of the cake. 

chocolate cake with spinach and blueberries
Eat the best pieces first

Holy Shit It’s Crickets

mighty cricket

  • 2 cups rolled oats
  • 1/3 cup 100% Pure Mighty Cricket Protein Powder
  • ½ golden raisins
  • ½ chopped dates
  • 1/4 peanuts
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 1 tsp turmeric
  • 1 tsp coriander
  • 2 tsp paprika
  • 2 tsp chili pepper 
  • 1 tsp ginger powder
  • 1/2 tsp cayenne
  • 2 egg whites
  • 1/4 cup water
  • 1/4 cup bourbon maple syrup

Preheat oven to 300°F assuming you have a working oven, unlike me. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

Mix dry ingredients. Mix liquid ingredients. Combine.

Spread granola onto baking sheet. Bake until you smell burning. For those of you, with legit ovens, god knows. 60 minutes? Don’t forget to stir every now and then and to rotate the pan.

cricket granola

When your house starts to smell amazing,  it’s ready. When cool, add golden raisins and chopped dates.

cricket cereal
Spicy and sweet. Can’t even taste those high protein, sustainable critters.

Margarita Cupcakes

my little pony cupcakeYou wanna know how to get booze into your cupcakes without having to cook any of the intoxicating benefits out of it? First make jello shots. Boil a cup of water, add the gelatin, and stir, stir, stir.

jello shots

Combine 1/2 cup of cold water and 1/2 cup of your spirit of choice with the gelatin. Use an entire cup of booze if you prefer to slur your words vs. actually enjoying the flavor of your cupcake. In my margarita recipe I used tequila and orange curacao (poor man’s Grand Marnier). Any booze will do. Add lime or orange zest to enhance the otherwise artificial flavor of the jello.

lime zest

Allow your jello shot concoction to cool while you poke holes into the cupcakes using chopsticks. Drizzle the cooled booze and jello onto the cupcakes.

margarita cupcake Top your cupcakes with frosting flavored with more orange curacao. 2 sticks of butter. 4 cups powder sugar. 2 tsp orange curacao. Soooo good. One of my favorite frosting to date.

Eggnog Cupcakes with Booze

recipe
The height of 80’s fashion, Winner of at least one Ugly Sweater Contest

When you take a yellow cake mix and replace the water with eggnog, you can do magical things. You can make people swoon with delight. Go on, try it.eggnog yolk

For the frosting: substitute milk with Evan Williams Eggnog bourbon. Who needs calcium? frosting ingredients

Thankful For Dinosaurs

pumpkin sugar cookie

When your niece is obsessed with dinosaurs you roll, shape, and cut brontosaurus cookies. Then you repeat the process about a 1,000 times.

pumpkin sugar cookie
The Brontosaurus is Back and He is Real, says National Geographic. Copy link into your browser to read more:   https://bit.ly/2QKGJoF

She won’t let you take her photo with it, but when you hand it to her and she says, “Wooooow,” you realize it was worth every flour drenched minute.

niece
*Slightly modified to protect her identity. 

 

Well kinda…these cookies were just okay. 

From my kitchen to yours, I sincerely hope you were filled with good food, good stories, and good laughs. But if that was not the case, I present this image for you. Please enjoy. Thanksgiving