Opening A Can Of : Pumpkin Waffles

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Swap apple cider for water.

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How to Burn 24 Cupcakes at Once

When alcohol gets involved bad things can happen. And bad things did happen…

Birthday Cupcakes

The Filling

1) Add one cup of milk, one cup of  raspberry cheesecake liquor, a glug or two of vodka, and an instant pudding mix into a ziplock bag.

2) Shake.

This makes clean up and injecting the cupcakes easier. Yeah, we’re injecting a boozy filling into these cuppers. You can substitute Baileys, if you don’t miraculously stumble upon the above mentioned booze like I did at #Aldi.

3) Refrigerate.

The Cupcake

1) Replace the water called for on the back of the box ,with 2 cups of raspberry cheesecake liquor and a splash of vodka.

2) Follow recipe as usual. Like to the T. Don’t do what I did.

3) Line your pan with cupcake holders and fill. All twenty-four of them. You know the pan that if you mess up, you ruin everyone of ’em. Yeah that pan, use that pan.

4) Even though you know better than to multitask– clean up your house while your cupcakes bake.

5) Bake at 350. Don’t consider that it’s the first time you’re baking in your new kitchen. With an old oven. Forget how much electric ovens suck.

6) Ignore the campfire essence emitting in the air, because if you ignore it, it’ll go away right? If you don’t acknowledge it, its not real right?

7) Open the oven to rotate your babies and let the heat hit your face with an intensity the catapults your eyes shut and fuses your bottom and top lashes together.

8) Proceed to wash dishes while you wait. What’s that? Is that a charred s’more in the air I detect? Damn it.

9) Remember your roots. Remember that you came from nothing. Remember the time you passed a bowl of milk around to your brothers and sisters adding more cereal but no more milk because there wasn’t enough for everyone. You aren’t about to pitch your babies. Those cupcakes are for your friend. It’s her birthday. And there’s booze in there! Good, special occasion, rare, booze!

10) Cut the bottoms off of every one of those suckers. Every single one.

11) Fill a squirt bottle or ziplock bag fitted with a piping tip with the filling.

12) Plung your instrument of choice into the “new cupcake top.” Watch as they teeter precariously on their curved bottoms.

Frosting.

Oh you didn’t brink your butter to room temp?

1) Stick those puppies in the oven- that f*cking oven that just destroyed a quarter inch of every f*cking one of your cupcakes.

2) When softened cream in mixer.

3) Melt the reason worth living in the microwave with milk. White chocolate chips.

4) Add about five cups of powdered sugar. Add more booze.

And that’s how you salvage burnt birthday cupcakes. You’re welcome. 

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frost. eat. share. love. And don’t forget to tell me about your kitchen catastrophes! 

America’s Favorite Cookie Baked into America’s Second Favorite Cookie

I don’t always bake, but when I do, I don’t f*ck around.step 2_6104 

And it is my hope for you, dear reader, if you’re out there, to teach you my ways. For example, while making Slutty Brownies…

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Slutty Brownies you ask…

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Hey, you’re back! Thought I might have lost you once I sent you to the link to the Slutty Brownies. Anyway, the rest of this post is about what I did with the leftover cookie dough and Oreos. It is totally acceptable to eat them alone but trust me they are way better when you stuff America’s favorite cookie into America’s second favorite cookie. 

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Any back of the bag cookie recipe will do. Bury the Oreo and bake. Then thank me.

Disclaimer: I accidentally added an extra egg. I had it out on the counter, bringing it to room temperature for the brownie mix, but wasn’t thinking and added it to the cookie dough. Once I realized what I did I Googled, “What happens when you add an extra egg?” While Siri searched I freaked out that I had spent so much time on a project just to mess it up. Then the results showed…

And if that’s too much reading and linking for you let me summarize. It depends on who you ask and what type of cookie you want. I love a chewy cookie so the third egg was ideal! Quite the Happy Accident!

Vulgar Valentines

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This February I took the Booze Infused Kitchen from amateur to side hustle status by selling Vulgar Valentines. I merged my love of meaningful, individualized messages with abstract designs, to create edible tokens of affection.

I turned butter, sugar, a flour into cash…Not a lot of cash but…eh.

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Oh what I’ll do for a buck.

Recipe:

3 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup unsalted butter
1 cup sugar
1 lrg egg

2 tsp vanilla or 1 tsp vanilla plus zest of 1 lemon (can also use almond or peppermint extract!)

whisk together the flour and salt
cream butter and sugar with mixer until light and fluffy
add egg, vanilla, zest, and mix until blended

with mixer on low, gradually add the flour mixture to the butter mixture

3 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup unsalted butter
1 cup sugar
1 large egg

Stir, shape, roll, chill, cut. Repeat. And repeat. And repeat. Then bake, rotate, cool.

preheat oven 350

bake on parchment- middle rack 12-16 minutes. turn half way through. 

 

 

 

 

Cupcakes & Booze

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I stood and watched bubbles pop.

Liquid turn to gas and rise from the pan

Escaping one wispy ghost after the other.

I reduced the booze to a third its size,

And added sugar,

Brown and powdered.

I made molasses on accident.

I injected chocolate cupcakes with the concoction

Frosted the cake with peanut butter chocolate frosting.

I shared.

Trick-or-Treat

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Peanut Butter Cut out cookies compliments of The Merchant Baker. Frosted with Nutella. And edible spray paint.

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Halloween is the day of a year where you can be a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g.  What were you?

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“What are you? Are you a lizard woman? A telephone operator?”
The words, “You have a hook in your mouth,” landed like a smack across the face.

“So do you,” I replied.
“Have you ever been trapped?”

I used my costume as an opportunity to start a conversation.

“I followed a girl to L.A.” he answered.
“Why? What was the bait?”
“Big Boobs.”

Okay, so maybe my costume didn’t really lead to any ground breaking dialogue but at least I tried.

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I was “ghosted” this Halloween while making plans to meet someone from the virtual world in real life. He vanished right before our date. Lesson learned, Bumble is still Tinder. 

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So I dressed up for work as Minnie Mouse because we all know how amazing her boyfriend Mickey is. He can do anything. ( Look at the sorcery in that photo. Am.I.Right? )

I have one more treat to share. It’s candy for your ears. “Ghosts” by Laura Marling.