Thankful For Dinosaurs

pumpkin sugar cookie

When your niece is obsessed with dinosaurs you roll, shape, and cut brontosaurus cookies. Then you repeat the process about a 1,000 times.

pumpkin sugar cookie
The Brontosaurus is Back and He is Real, says National Geographic. Copy link into your browser to read more:   https://bit.ly/2QKGJoF

She won’t let you take her photo with it, but when you hand it to her and she says, “Wooooow,” you realize it was worth every flour drenched minute.

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*Slightly modified to protect her identity. 

 

Well kinda…these cookies were just okay. 

From my kitchen to yours, I sincerely hope you were filled with good food, good stories, and good laughs. But if that was not the case, I present this image for you. Please enjoy. Thanksgiving

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SKELETONS, SPIDERWEBS, & SFX

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! The time when we can dress up and be ANYTHING we want. What were you?

IMG_5948I present to you, my most authentic self. A baby doll with a brain. For the special effects I used a gelatin mold and liquid latex. The slosh method. It’s exactly what it sounds like. Pour the latex into the mold and slosh it around. Let dry. Boom, you got a brain, baby.

Wait, I thought this was a food blog, you might be thinking. I’ll get you a recipe. Hold your horses. I’m more than just a baker, ya know.

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Baby doll makeup inspired by ShanShortcakeBeauty

Recipe, coming right up…

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I love sugar. Sugar is my favorite. White sugar, brown sugar, powder sugar, sugar can, sugar water, syrup…Mmm. Sugar.

IMG_5741  Bob, my biggest fan, made me this cookie cutter. Thanks Bob! I used a chocolate sugar cookie recipe, from Cookie Craft Christmas, *highly recommend. I topped it with marshmallow fluff because its delicious but also because, I CANNOT make royal icing. I never get royal icing right…Never. I’m convinced you need to be a witch or know magic to make royal icing correctly. IMG_5835

Speaking of witches. Also pictured is the book I mentioned. So much golden goodness in such a tiny book.

Chocolate Sugar Cookies

2 1/2 c flour
1/2 c cocoa
1 tsp instant espresso (MAGIC INGREDIENT)
1/2 tsp salt
1 c unsalted butter
1 c sugar
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla

Cream the butter and sugar, yada yada. Add egg and vanilla. You know the drill. Then the dry ingredients. Roll, chill, cut, bake. You know your oven better than I do. Keep an eye on em, and you’ll know when they are done because your house will start to smell like a cocoay, toasty, buttery heaven.

Oh, you want me to hold your hand? 350 degrees 10-12 mins. Rotate pan half-way through.

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I got to be so many iterations of my most authentic self this year. I hope you did too. Or maybe this post will inspire you to next year.

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Apocalyptic Ride or Die
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My favorite face to make. Try it, it feels awesome and makes you instantly prettier and more interesting.
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Bedazzled Elf.

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I’m including this last photo because we all have a little bit of both trick and treat in us. I hope I share more treats than tricks and I hope you do too. Happy Halloween.

How to Bake Cookies in a Crappy Apartment’s Electric Oven or How to live like an Artist: The Recipe

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Cookies aren’t made in the mixing. What separates an edible cookie- from a, “Holy crap I can’t articulate the magic I just tasted”- cookie, is in the little things.

For example:

You could have opened a box, cracked an egg, poured the oil and delivered a confection with enough sugar to please most palates but

1, 2, & 3) If you melt butter and add a splash of salted caramel flavoring, and a box of butterscotch pudding…

4, & 5,) Then scoop the dough into little balls and place them in the fridge for thirty minutes.

6, 7 & 8 ) Then, bake the cookies for six minutes, rotate, and bake for six more minutes.

9) Allow them to continue to cook on the baking sheet for three minutes— because you have an evil, bottom of the cookie, burning oven— because you live in a cheap apartment so that you can work less and create more.

Then you too can have a cookie that obliterates taste buds and pushes the boundaries of what defines “cookie.”

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If you take the time to learn how the ovens and the people around you operate, you’ll begin to have richer moments and baked goods. Sprinkle pieces of you into your experience with others: make a handmade birthday card, write someone a song praising the best parts of their personality, or make them a cupcake the size of their head and you’ll start living like an artist. And your baked goods and life will taste better.

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Hurricane Bernadette Cake (RUM)

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Cake Ingredients:

1 package white cake mix
1package vanilla instant pudding mix
4 eggs
2 tbsp oj
½ cup minus to tbsp cup passion fruit
1⁄2 cup cooking oil
1⁄2 cup dark rum

Glaze Ingredients:

1 1/2 sticks butter cup sugar
1/4 cup water
1/2 cup sugar
Boil for 5 mins
Add 3/8 cup rum
Add orange and lime zest

Feel free to color some of the batter multiple colors and then swirl it into the bundt pan, because you know, you’re fancy and you bake fancy stuff.

Happy Mardi Gras. Here’s to the suffering through the rest of winter.

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How to Burn 24 Cupcakes at Once

When alcohol gets involved bad things can happen. And bad things did happen…

Birthday Cupcakes

The Filling

1) Add one cup of milk, one cup of  raspberry cheesecake liquor, a glug or two of vodka, and an instant pudding mix into a ziplock bag.

2) Shake.

This makes clean up and injecting the cupcakes easier. Yeah, we’re injecting a boozy filling into these cuppers. You can substitute Baileys, if you don’t miraculously stumble upon the above mentioned booze like I did at #Aldi.

3) Refrigerate.

The Cupcake

1) Replace the water called for on the back of the box ,with 2 cups of raspberry cheesecake liquor and a splash of vodka.

2) Follow recipe as usual. Like to the T. Don’t do what I did.

3) Line your pan with cupcake holders and fill. All twenty-four of them. You know the pan that if you mess up, you ruin everyone of ’em. Yeah that pan, use that pan.

4) Even though you know better than to multitask– clean up your house while your cupcakes bake.

5) Bake at 350. Don’t consider that it’s the first time you’re baking in your new kitchen. With an old oven. Forget how much electric ovens suck.

6) Ignore the campfire essence emitting in the air, because if you ignore it, it’ll go away right? If you don’t acknowledge it, its not real right?

7) Open the oven to rotate your babies and let the heat hit your face with an intensity the catapults your eyes shut and fuses your bottom and top lashes together.

8) Proceed to wash dishes while you wait. What’s that? Is that a charred s’more in the air I detect? Damn it.

9) Remember your roots. Remember that you came from nothing. Remember the time you passed a bowl of milk around to your brothers and sisters adding more cereal but no more milk because there wasn’t enough for everyone. You aren’t about to pitch your babies. Those cupcakes are for your friend. It’s her birthday. And there’s booze in there! Good, special occasion, rare, booze!

10) Cut the bottoms off of every one of those suckers. Every single one.

11) Fill a squirt bottle or ziplock bag fitted with a piping tip with the filling.

12) Plung your instrument of choice into the “new cupcake top.” Watch as they teeter precariously on their curved bottoms.

Frosting.

Oh you didn’t bring your butter to room temp?

1) Stick those puppies in the oven- that f*cking oven that just destroyed a quarter inch of every f*cking one of your cupcakes.

2) When softened cream in mixer.

3) Melt the reason worth living in the microwave with milk. White chocolate chips.

4) Add about five cups of powdered sugar. Add more booze.

And that’s how you salvage burnt birthday cupcakes. You’re welcome. 

booze cupcakes

frost. eat. share. love. And don’t forget to tell me about your kitchen catastrophes! 

America’s Favorite Cookie Baked into America’s Second Favorite Cookie

I don’t always bake, but when I do, I don’t f*ck around.step 2_6104 

And it is my hope for you, dear reader, if you’re out there, to teach you my ways. For example, while making Slutty Brownies…

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Slutty Brownies you ask…

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Hey, you’re back! Thought I might have lost you once I sent you to the link to the Slutty Brownies. Anyway, the rest of this post is about what I did with the leftover cookie dough and Oreos. It is totally acceptable to eat them alone but trust me they are way better when you stuff America’s favorite cookie into America’s second favorite cookie. 

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Any back of the bag cookie recipe will do. Bury the Oreo and bake. Then thank me.

Disclaimer: I accidentally added an extra egg. I had it out on the counter, bringing it to room temperature for the brownie mix, but wasn’t thinking and added it to the cookie dough. Once I realized what I did I Googled, “What happens when you add an extra egg?” While Siri searched I freaked out that I had spent so much time on a project just to mess it up. Then the results showed…

And if that’s too much reading and linking for you let me summarize. It depends on who you ask and what type of cookie you want. I love a chewy cookie so the third egg was ideal! Quite the Happy Accident!