How to Bake Cookies in a Crappy Apartment’s Electric Oven or How to live like an Artist: The Recipe

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Cookies aren’t made in the mixing. What separates an edible cookie- from a, “Holy crap I can’t articulate the magic I just tasted”- cookie, is in the little things.

For example:

You could have opened a box, cracked an egg, poured the oil and delivered a confection with enough sugar to please most palates but

1, 2, & 3) If you melt butter and add a splash of salted caramel flavoring, and a box of butterscotch pudding…

4, & 5,) Then scoop the dough into little balls and place them in the fridge for thirty minutes.

6, 7 & 8 ) Then, bake the cookies for six minutes, rotate, and bake for six more minutes.

9) Allow them to continue to cook on the baking sheet for three minutes— because you have an evil, bottom of the cookie, burning oven— because you live in a cheap apartment so that you can work less and create more.

Then you too can have a cookie that obliterates taste buds and pushes the boundaries of what defines “cookie.”

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If you take the time to learn how the ovens and the people around you operate, you’ll begin to have richer moments and baked goods. Sprinkle pieces of you into your experience with others: make a handmade birthday card, write someone a song praising the best parts of their personality, or make them a cupcake the size of their head and you’ll start living like an artist. And your baked goods and life will taste better.

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Hurricane Bernadette Cake (RUM)

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Cake Ingredients:

1 package white cake mix
1package vanilla instant pudding mix
4 eggs
2 tbsp oj
½ cup minus to tbsp cup passion fruit
1⁄2 cup cooking oil
1⁄2 cup dark rum

Glaze Ingredients:

1 1/2 sticks butter cup sugar
1/4 cup water
1/2 cup sugar
Boil for 5 mins
Add 3/8 cup rum
Add orange and lime zest

Feel free to color some of the batter multiple colors and then swirl it into the bundt pan, because you know, you’re fancy and you bake fancy stuff.

Happy Mardi Gras. Here’s to the suffering through the rest of winter.

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How to Burn 24 Cupcakes at Once

gWhen alcohol gets involved bad things can happen. And bad things did happen…

Birthday Cupcakes

The Filling

1) Add one cup of milk, one cup of  raspberry cheesecake liquor, a glug or two of vodka, and an instant pudding mix into a ziplock bag.

2) Shake.

This makes clean up and injecting the cupcakes easier. Yeah, we’re injecting a boozy filling into these cuppers. You can substitute Baileys, if you don’t miraculously stumble upon the above mentioned booze like I did at #Aldi.

3) Refrigerate.

The Cupcake

1) Replace the water called for on the back of the box ,with 2 cups of raspberry cheesecake liquor and a splash of vodka.

2) Follow recipe as usual. Like to the T. Don’t do what I did.

3) Line your pan with cupcake holders and fill. All twenty-four of them. You know the pan that if you mess up, you ruin everyone of ’em. Yeah that pan, use that pan.

4) Even though you know better than to multitask– clean up your house while your cupcakes bake.

5) Bake at 350. Don’t consider that it’s the first time you’re baking in your new kitchen. With an old oven. Forget how much electric ovens suck.

6) Ignore the campfire essence emitting in the air, because if you ignore it, it’ll go away right? If you don’t acknowledge it, its not real right?

7) Open the oven to rotate your babies and let the heat hit your face with an intensity the catapults your eyes shut and fuses your bottom and top lashes together.

8) Proceed to wash dishes while you wait. What’s that? Is that a charred s’more in the air I detect? Damn it.

9) Remember your roots. Remember that you came from nothing. Remember the time you passed a bowl of milk around to your brothers and sisters adding more cereal but no more milk because there wasn’t enough for everyone. You aren’t about to pitch your babies. Those cupcakes are for your friend. It’s her birthday. And there’s booze in there! Good, special occasion, rare, booze!

10) Cut the bottoms off of every one of those suckers. Every single one.

11) Fill a squirt bottle or ziplock bag fitted with a piping tip with the filling.

12) Plung your instrument of choice into the “new cupcake top.” Watch as they teeter precariously on their curved bottoms.

Frosting.

Oh you didn’t bring your butter to room temp?

1) Stick those puppies in the oven- that f*cking oven that just destroyed a quarter inch of every f*cking one of your cupcakes.

2) When softened cream in mixer.

3) Melt the reason worth living in the microwave with milk. White chocolate chips.

4) Add about five cups of powdered sugar. Add more booze.

And that’s how you salvage burnt birthday cupcakes. You’re welcome. 

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frost. eat. share. love. And don’t forget to tell me about your kitchen catastrophes! 

America’s Favorite Cookie Baked into America’s Second Favorite Cookie

I don’t always bake, but when I do, I don’t f*ck around.step 2_6104 

And it is my hope for you, dear reader, if you’re out there, to teach you my ways. For example, while making Slutty Brownies…

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Slutty Brownies you ask…

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Hey, you’re back! Thought I might have lost you once I sent you to the link to the Slutty Brownies. Anyway, the rest of this post is about what I did with the leftover cookie dough and Oreos. It is totally acceptable to eat them alone but trust me they are way better when you stuff America’s favorite cookie into America’s second favorite cookie. 

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Any back of the bag cookie recipe will do. Bury the Oreo and bake. Then thank me.

Disclaimer: I accidentally added an extra egg. I had it out on the counter, bringing it to room temperature for the brownie mix, but wasn’t thinking and added it to the cookie dough. Once I realized what I did I Googled, “What happens when you add an extra egg?” While Siri searched I freaked out that I had spent so much time on a project just to mess it up. Then the results showed…

And if that’s too much reading and linking for you let me summarize. It depends on who you ask and what type of cookie you want. I love a chewy cookie so the third egg was ideal! Quite the Happy Accident!

Vulgar Valentines

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This February I took the Booze Infused Kitchen from amateur to side hustle status by selling Vulgar Valentines. I merged my love of meaningful, individualized messages with abstract designs, to create edible tokens of affection.

I turned butter, sugar, a flour into cash…Not a lot of cash but…eh.

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Oh what I’ll do for a buck.

Recipe:

3 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup unsalted butter
1 cup sugar
1 lrg egg

2 tsp vanilla or 1 tsp vanilla plus zest of 1 lemon (can also use almond or peppermint extract!)

whisk together the flour and salt
cream butter and sugar with mixer until light and fluffy
add egg, vanilla, zest, and mix until blended

with mixer on low, gradually add the flour mixture to the butter mixture

3 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup unsalted butter
1 cup sugar
1 large egg

Stir, shape, roll, chill, cut. Repeat. And repeat. And repeat. Then bake, rotate, cool.

preheat oven 350

bake on parchment- middle rack 12-16 minutes. turn half way through. 

 

 

 

 

Cupcakes & Booze

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I stood and watched bubbles pop.

Liquid turn to gas and rise from the pan

Escaping one wispy ghost after the other.

I reduced the booze to a third its size,

And added sugar,

Brown and powdered.

I made molasses on accident.

I injected chocolate cupcakes with the concoction

Frosted the cake with peanut butter chocolate frosting.

I shared.